life makes me want to scream out loud

I am constantly reminded of ho fucked up my life is that I feel like screaming out loud 24hrs a day. I can hear myu inner voice scream pretty much constantly.

Work is a hard drag now. I am at 100hrs a week now and have been for 10 months. I can not get time to exercise or see friends and family. I also eat like crap and miss fresh food. I am told it will get better next year.

My biggest stress right now is running out of money. As a resident I make about 4bucks an hour. That’s is you consider my 400 hour a month job. Also I do not get compensated for manditory journal clubs, academic days, seminars etc. Plus I do not get compensated for creating presentations for academic days, seminars , journal clubs, well u get the picture. I am fucking drained dry and it is freaking me out.

But it will get better I am told.

AMS

life makes me want to scream

I am constantly reminded of ho fucked up my life is that I feel like screaming out loud 24hrs a day. I can hear myu inner voice scream pretty much constantly.

Work is a hard drag now. I am at 100hrs a week now and have been for 10 months. I can not get time to exercise or see friends and family. I also eat like crap and miss fresh food. I am told it will get better next year.

My biggest stress right now is running out of money. As a resident I make about 4bucks an hour. That’s is you consider my 400 hour a month job. Also I do not get compensated for manditory journal clubs, academic days, seminars etc. Plus I do not get compensated for creating presentations for academic days, seminars , journal clubs, well u get the picture. I am fucking drained dry and it is freaking me out.

But it will get better I am told.

AMS

Ah Crap

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Things are getting more complicated. Life is a tease. As the carrot gets bigger, the stick gets longer. Residency is for those who carry no baggage. I need a fucking sherpa to get up this hill. Relentless gravity that is residency trying to pull you down. Into the blood the mud the shit.
AMR

say it aloud!

What do you do when your attending insists you taste her fabulous refreshing drink.

You say “I don’t want to taste your fucking backwash laden shit sugar swill bitch, fuck off!”

But unless you say it aloud using your voice and she hears you, you do what I did and shut up and drink the shit.

AMS

The Shit Sandwich

Urbandictionary.com

A ‘SHIT SANDWICH’ is a method of delivering some bad news, advice, or a rejection of someone’s idea(s).

It is designed to make the bad news, advice or rejection more palatable, easier to take, and/or easier on the receiving party.

It is used to ensure the the person hearing the bad news, advice or rejection actually listens to what is being said so they can eat and digest it…

You want someone to eat the ‘Shit’ (bad news), you serve it between two lovely slices of bread.. hence ‘Shit Sandwich’

I thought this was a term reserved just for obgyn residents but apparently it is universal. My example:
Example #1

Hi anxious guy, you have been here for a few weeks. I really liked the way you delivered that baby the other night, real nice.

By the way, nurse bitchface mentioned that she thinks you are dangerous and shouldn’t be anywhere near a vagina for any reason. I think she has a valid point and I am placing you on probabtion.

But that’s a nice shirt tie combo you have on today, very professional.

The shit sandwich.

I prefer you leave out the bread. Just hit me with the shit. I can take it. I hate passive aggressiveness. If you want you can wrap the shit in two slices of fresh baked shit. A shit menage-et-trois.

Example #2

Hey anxious guy, you suck,

oh by the way you fucked up so much today I can’t find a specific example to give you feedback on. Let’s just call the whole day a fuckin writeoff.

Oh yeah and I also think you dress like a homeless person.

Hmm, I am not sure that is much better. Maybe just the filling. Shit slurpy with a chaser of honey. Not fresh honey but honey left out that has gone rank with seeded botulism, yeah that kind of honey.

Example #3

Anxious guy my golden retriever can tie a knot better than that,

Honestly, you would think someone with such impressive education (the honey), wouldn’t be so inept and useless in an OR (the botulism).

Yummm
AMR

and i’m back

Almost 2 years since my last post. Shit. Nothing has changed. Still angry. Still loath myself (but now with a new sense of entitlement) and I am still anxiety riddled and stressed as all get out. But we should put this in perspective.

I am a year 2 resident currently completing a residency in OBGYN at a large mid-western hospital. I work over 100 hrs a week, much of which is in a thick fog of sleep deprivation, and I have not spent more than 20 minutes in open daylight in months. But am I content with life? For the most part yes (I think). How can this be?

I think it is that I am too busy to really realize just how fucked my life really is. First of all, for the most part, anybody with a professional degree who works as much as I do either makes a zillion bucks a year or is extremely productive in research or industry somewhere. I am neither of these. I am currently writing this blog sitting on public transport at 5 am. The only people up this early are the homeless and the people that clean the hospital. I barely make minimum wage (my pay is based on a 37.5 hour work week with no call stipend), and I am neither productive in research or industry. Sure I am doing a research project (mandatory in my program) but I have been treading water on that for months avoiding my supervisor at great lengths.

As for industry, please! I can barely find my way home after a call shift let alone create or innovate anything besides a very large espresso order at starbucks (and this is only because they know me so well and correct me when I say it wrong). Plus I am worth more dead than alive thanks to the ever growing burden that is my financial debt.

Secondly, my residency is extremely physically demanding. I wear a pedometer as I wanted to prove to myself that I walk a ton. I clocked 12 miles on call the other night. 12 fucking miles. On call we cover labour and delivery plus ER. Both places are in separate buildings 3 blocks away from each other. Add together 10 deliveries plus 8 or 9 ER consults and your legs get pretty tired. I just love the midnight consult for a pelvic exam. Seriously? You went to medical school right? I no longer feel guilty consulting medicine for high blood pressure or psych for depression. Its all good in the hood son.

So how am I happy like this?

I don’t know if I can answer that.

Maybe it is because I just don’t give a fuck anymore. I have become content running around being busy. I enjoy being in charge and being needed. That sounds superficial, but fuck, so what. Those in glass houses right.

Maybe it is the medication. Effexor has a nice way of glossing over your world. I rarely get angry over things or stressed (there is always the constant stress level, but nothing excessive). If I do it is usually not for long (although this human fucking ashtray next to me is starting to piss me off, like come on, could you smell any worse). But it is the only way to live these days.

If u spend all day pissed about things you can not change you will end up dead. This has its good points and bad points. Good, I don’t let this shit bog me down, bad I sometimes tend to gloss over important things (patients, deadlines appointments).

But as I look at my bus mates here in the light from the street lamps, I feel life could be worse.

AMR

Fear

Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia
Fear of long words

Ahh internet… Classic finding

AMR

testing

This is a test of blog posts from my phone. I hope to start writing again with my phone. I seem to have very little brain function at the end of the day so maybe midday blogs are the cure. Hope to speak with u all soon.
AMR (aka AMS)

Rank with the smell of self loathing and indecision

Originally written Feb 2009.  somewhat relevant to this time of year.

 

I am not sure anyone who is not in the 4th year of medicine or beyond can understand the stress of trying to rank a competetive specialty.  I recently  finished a massive interview schedule that had me making my way across this beautiful coutry of ours, meeting and greeting and interviewing and answering the same questions againg and again for different people and socializing.  Ohh the socializing.  I had nothing left near the end of it.  I could barely look myself in the mirror, let alone talk to some mindless fuck from another medical school who was gaming for my spot.  I dont give a shit what your house is like, I think your med school is shit.  I think the students there are fucks and I think you suck. 

If you can imagine constantly seeing the same people in each city at each airport and talking about the same thing for weeks, you can feel my pain.  To make things even more painful, most of these socials were alcohol free.  Yes, that was not a typo.  Only 2 of my socials included alcohol.  Like masterbating with a cheese grater, somewhat enjoyable, but mostly painful.

The best social was the one with the open bar.  Hallilulah.  However it was quite sadistic of this school.  I had no problems drinking in front of future staff/residents.  especially after the week I had.  especially when the beer was free.  however, many of the keeners were leaving entire pints of beer untouched after they vacated their seats.  what an insult.  dont order it if you are not going to drink it.  I understand you are nervous and want to make a good impression.  This is the most important interview of your short life.  but FUCK, brush your shoulders off and loosen that spine.  My interview was at 9:30 the next morning and I left at 2.  Feeling pretty good but still clear headed.  The residents on the other hand were not doing as well.  I guess an open bar is and open bar, especially when your staff is footing the bill.  They became a rather jolly bunch.

So after all this mayhem, the travel the interviews the (make it stop) socials, I am left at home exhausted and with an even larger debt.  Add to this, I now have to decide which one of these schools/cities is going to be my home for the next few  years.  I have been somewhat lucky in that I have a top 5.  and in that top 5 I have a definite top3.  however it is that top three that is killing my sleeping patterns.  This is where the stress i was talking about earlier comes in.  I try not to think about it.  I think I have it under control, but it gets me in my sleep.  I am never really asleep.  I have light sleep cycles and I dream extremely weird dreams in which i am a participant and an observer at the same time. Todays dream  involved me napping in a caravan(I dont own a caravan) in a deserted parking lot only to emerge from the van out the exit of my board exam.  the terror that I felt realizing that I had slept in a caravan while others wrote the exam.  What is this new form of crazy.  My bp was 118/82 today.  somewhat reasuring.  I will try to exercise tomorrow, maybe that will help clear my fuzzy fuzzy head.

AMS

 

Addendum:  I matched fine and I am now doing OBGYN at my #7 choice.  that is a long story and I will hopefully start writing on this blog again soon.

Lying 101

I have discussed lying on this blog numerous times and I feel that this subject is never fully covered in Medical School.  There are many steps I feel that need to be covered before you can fully appreciate the art of lying.  I may get shit on for this post (like many others) but let he/she who has not sinned cast the first stone!

here we go. Here are the steps I feel one has to complete in order to become good at telling the non-truth.

1. The first person you must learn to lie to is yourself.

In order to be a proficient lyer, you must first master the ability to lie to the most disbelieving person in your life,  Yourself.  This task may appear easy at first glance, but most take many years to learn to believe everything they tell themselves.  The brain is a tricky place to be, filled with endless background info on the lyer, and many ways to trip one self up.  once you have mastered this step, you can lie to just about anybody and makes the next step in the training quite simple.  but be careful, many of the assholes in your world that you dislike are people who are extremely good at one thing.

2. Any lie is believable as long as you think it is true.

Lying, especially when one tells a real dousie, can take a certain amount of self denial to pull off as genuine.  Espeicially if you are a person with a heavy conscience.  If you do not have a conscience (and are souless) then this step doesn’t apply to you.  You could care less if you are a good or bad lyer as whether the other person believes it or not does not matter to you.  However, for those of us with a soul, or remnants of one anyways, if you can convince yourself that the lie is somewhat true or necessary for the better good, then this makes the lie that much easier to portray by you, and hence, believable by others.

3. Once you tell a lie, you must stick with it until the end.

A ex-friend of mine who was a chronic lyer, once told me that no matter what happens after you tell a lie, you stick with it and deny the truth until you are blue in the face. no matter who finds out what.   now, he is an asshole and mows lawns for a living and lives with his mom.  however, he had a point.  commitment is key.  You may have a lie come back at you weeks/months/years after you released it.  if you are not careful it may bite you in the ass.  but no matter what happens, if you are a lyer, remain a lyer or you will have no credibility what so ever.

4. KISS

Complicated lies are for geniuses and movie characters.  they are nearly impossible to contain and keep up on.  if you are going to start a lie and keep it up for a while, keep it simple stupid or you may find yourself caught.

This is just a rough guide.  I am sure there are plenty of other tips out there.  remember lying is not for the weak at heart and will almost always end badly.  but for some of us, it is a way of life.

AMS