June 24, 2016
Nothing is as it was supposed to be. I remember 15 years ago, when i wanted to be a doctor. Fuck it was more like 20. I remember thinking how fucking cool it was going to be. Everyone would like me and i would be awesome and happy. Well i wasn’t happy then so why did i think being a doctor would make that change. Dreams really have a way of coming back and fucking you up the ass.
Someone said i was cynical the other day. (of you don’t think so re-read the last paragraph). Actually it was one of my medical students. Not to bright eh. Let’s face it, you must be a giant fuck face if your timid medical student calls you cynical. Either that or she has no tact. Either way i will bury her in her review (call me cynical will you).
But seriously, i have ups and downs, lefts and rights. But for the most part i am having trouble finding balance. I know i am working too much when i find myself hating everyone more than usual. That’s when i know i need to take a break. Reflect on why i do what i do. Stop looking at everyone as a giant annoyance or every patient as a giant dollar sign (I get really pissed at myself when i do that). I didn’t get into this to make money. Fucking money. This would be much more simple if money wasn’t involved. I just found out that i pay over 25% of my income for overhead. Most of which I can not control. Like fees and dues and more dues and fucking dues. Why do I have to be part of your piece of shit society when you do nothing for me or anyone else. Just proliferate your own careers and the rest of us are to busy to notice. Fuck i am worth more dead than alive.
So here i am sitting here on my birthday realizing that I have more collegues than friends and that people who i though were my friends actually consider me just a colleague. A work family. We work so well together. Wooo fucking whooo. More like a giant walking pair of scrubs. I can be counted on for anything but please don’t consider me more than a colleague. Fuck you and fuck me. Alone. That’s what i feel like today, alone and empty. What a fucking wake up call for me eh. I seem to learn life lessons every fucking day when it comes to people and how we treat each other. Maybe i need to stop being such a little bitch and stop whining. I don’t know, I just feel empty.
January 1, 2016
How would you feel. I have been school for fucking ever. I am now making more money than any 5 people combined should be allowed to make. Yet i am sitting in a beach at new years in my fucking shorts and i am miserable.
Why am i not happy. What is missing. No matter what i do i have to deal with fucking idiots all the time. And even with out the idiots i am sure i world find something to be unhappy about.
For those of you not familiar with this blog. Hi, i am an insecure narcissist with severe ego issues. I am also an over achiever with 3 degrees plus a medical degree and a residency and a masters degree. Oh and by the way I am fucking miserable. The only thing keeping me going is My family and my huge fucking ego.
Sitting here in the beech with a bottle of Coppola coursing through my liver i find myself searching for reason.
What the fuck. Seriously, what the fuck. Shouldn’t i be happy. I am a full time staff at a big hospital. I like most (most) of my coworkers. I havnt thought of killing myself in at least a year. But still, SO FUCKING MISERABLE.
So i look external for inspiration. Look at all the god damn happy people. Why is he who happy. He works 3 jobs, 2 of which he washes toilets, but he is happy with his friends. He can make idle talk. He can make eye contact with his family. Me on the other hand, i am his polar opposite. How do i make myself happy. Well like any man alive with a problem, i just throw money at it. Wait look, is it gone yet. No. Let’s but something else to see if that makes me happy.
Fuck, good damn, fuck fuck Jesus dick balls cock fuck.
Anyways happy new year. Fuck me and see you in the spin.
March 3, 2014
As I near the end of my residency and the realization of what the real world is actually like comes crashing down around me I find myself losing control of the small amount of restraint I have ever had of my unbridled anger.
I am starting to learn that this anger is actually my self loathing turned outward. I am unsure who I hate more. me or them. I can’t hate everyone so it must be mostly me. the hate is rooted in my pure disappointment of who I am and how I act. I wish I was a better person.
Things are stressful now. I have my board exams soon, I am begging my asshole faculty for work or fellowship advice or a frickin bone of some kind to help me deal with the realization that there is nothing out there for me but disappointment. after 5 years of servitude the thought of working
with for below them as a junior staff in their hospital brings up a new flavor of bile I didn’t know existed.
this stress is overbearing. exam fear, unemployment fear, and then the fear of the shame which will go along with not attaining either of those two things.
boy do I ever love to hear about my fellow residents who got the job they wanted or who are going to their dream fellowship. fuck them. well fuck me for saying fuck them cause God only knows that they totally deserve it. but i love to put other people down cause I think it will make me feel better. which it totally does, but only for a short time, and then I realize how much of an asshole I am and I feel even worse.
I just need to hold it together for another few months until I am finished with this bunch of assholes and I can finally move on to the next group of people who will eventually come to dislike me and who I will loathe for doing so.
stay tuned, the F-bombs are only just starting to fly.
November 13, 2013
I have been doing something stupid lately. Granted i though it was a good idea. But alas, it was fucking stupid with a capital F.
I decided i would try to get off my Venlafaxine. I figured it had been 6 years since i started it and I should be able to cope with the ongoing stress (final year, exams, constant degradation of character), that is this year. However i was wrong. Not only is it hard to get off this drug (SE are hard to deal with), but the mental let down was insane. what do I mean by this. well listen.
I have been very very strung out for the last few weeks and I couldn’t figure out why. but i now know it was due to the withdrawal from Effexor. I have been unable to cope with anything stressful. I hate everyone (even more than usual) and I am so near tears 24 hrs a day that it is disturbing (this coming form someone who is absolutely dead inside).
So i managed to get off the pills completely. The first few days were awe full, lightning strikes to the head constantly and the nonstop anxiety was difficult. but i thought i had it under control. well last night on call I crashed. for no reason i could come up with I was totally distraught and had fleeting suicidal thoughts. I have not had suicidal thoughts in years. These were not your typical teenage girl suicidal idealization. I was having fleeting thoughts of not being here. scared the shit out of me. not usual. not happy. these were total anxiety creating as I was not happy with the thoughts at all. Fuck i was pissed. I of course blamed everyone and everything other than me cause that is my style.
so i am back on Effexor and i feel wonderful again. WTF. I hate this drug. i don’t want to be on it anymore but i am unable to function without it. This makes me think i am broken and useless. however thanks to Effexor I now don’t care that i feel this way. double edge sword.
I am indifferent to who i hate or do not hate today (although i still have a list of you fuckers). I am not sure why i thought i should go off them. I think it was the prolonged QT that kinda scared me. I didn’t want to be that guy in afib in the ditch. I also thought i would be able to study better and remember shit better. but know i know that the anxiety is worse than anything and I now have a new respect for just how disruptive anxiety can be in someones life. don’t be a bitch when one of your patients comes in complaining of anxiety. listen to what it is and realize that it is a fucked thing and they need someone to listen to them and offer them help.
but what do i know. i am an idiot.
take care and realize that meds are real shit and can fuck you good or bad. remember there is no rollover after a rub with Effexor. That bitch takes everything from you and gives nothing back.
Have a super day!
September 12, 2013
to the coffee guy that didn’t put my lid on tight this morning. fuck you. I burned my hands and got coffee on my pants.
I fucking hate everyone today
August 29, 2013
Baby Boomers, fucking baby boomers. Fuck the boomers.
Seriously! Fucking retire already. How long do you think you can work. This generation is fucking ridiculous. They want to live forever, work for ever, fuck for ever (Viagra?). I am so fucking tired of working with old worn out boomers. move the fuck over and let someone else have a try. They stay in their jobs for ever, weaning down their work load but still maximizing their income. how many jr. professors can you hire to do your job. sooner or later you gotta fuck off, give up the tenure and move on.
Oh and get this, once they retire, then they expect us to take care of them for ever. Yes i realize you have three ex wives and two mortgages and that you fucked yourself when you invested your retirement fund in that crap fund in 2005, but that is not my fucking problem. that’s why they are called “YOUR PROBLEMS”. Boomers expect you to respect them for their seniority, position and age. But seriously how can you respect anyone or anything that is as fucked up as a baby boomer.
Boomers have been one of the worst things this world has ever seen. They have destroyed our environment, they have destroyed our economy, they have destroyed our social infrastructure and they also are old and look like shit.
fucking baby boomers.
July 26, 2013
so let’s start by saying fuck this and fuck that and fuck him and fuck her and fuck this place but most of all fuck me.
it’s funny that i think this way but it’s true. I just have a hard time letting things go. especially this far into my residency.
“i have known and worked for you bunch of money grubbing assholes for quite a while now and you can’t even give me the respect to say hello or speak to me in a pleasant manner. I am here. yes I an HERE. i am here not to be given commands. there is a proper way to speak people in the work place. you don’t just order me to do stuff in between ordering others to do stuff. the fact that you tell others to do all for stuff is probably why you are so fucking fat. ”
Ok, that last comment was a bit over the line. I am sorry. but i needed to rant.